fbpx          
Ten Insights Into The Narcissist

Ten Insights Into The Narcissist

We hear the word Narcissism in reference to traits of self-interest and vanity in a world of social media. 

 

However, Narcissism or Narcissistic Personality Disorder PD is a mental condition. A well-balanced perspective is needed along with some tips for those on the other end of Narcissistic behaviour. 

 

The excessive need for admiration, disregard for others’ feelings, the inability to handle any criticism and a sense of entitlement along with criticism and manipulation, grandstanding (the list goes on) are all facets of Narcissism. Researchers have reported associations between NPD and high rates of substance abuse, mood, and anxiety disorders. For more symptoms see the bottom of this article, we have some excellent references. 

 

“Narcissus, the Laconian, was a young hunter who loved everything beautiful.

Once, during the summer, he got thirsty after hunting.

He leaned upon the water and saw himself in the bloom of youth.

He fell in love with his own shadow, as if it were somebody else.”

 

JAX Tyres for Ponderings

Being in a relationship or friendship with a true Narcissist can find you drawing in toxic sludge. 

Many an injured heart, broken life and mental anguish can be the product of such behaviour. So what can be done? 

1) Never admit vulnerability to a Narcissist. 

It can and will get used against you in a typical 123 Gaslighting maneuver. Do not appear fragile to a Narcissist, you are a duck on a lake, graceful, your legs might be going nuts underneath, but all anyone can see is serenity. Vulnerability is important with the right person. A Narcissist is not that person. 

2) Understand Gaslighting behaviour. 

A type of psychological manipulation whereby a person covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes including low self-esteem. 

3) While many people tell you a Narcissistic person is self-centred, mean and arrogant, it is MUCH more complex.

Manifesting in many ways, including an overdeveloped sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, grandiose behaviours, sensitivity to criticism, the list goes on. The point here is- the condition is layered and varied, so unless you are a trained psychologist or therapist; seek professional assistance if you believe you are on the receiving end. It is very dangerous for your mental health and not always obvious. Gaslighting, in particular, can be very insidious. 

4) Understanding that while the condition remains somewhat of a mystery to psychology experts; behavioural disorders are often deeply rooted. 

You cannot talk a Narcissistic out of anything. Some studies suggest many Narcissists know precisely what they are doing, they believe they are on a higher pecking order than others, view themselves as more evolved, and they are never ‘wrong.” There is no reasoning here. Try and reason, and you will soon find yourself attacked verbally and wounded. 

 

5) If stuck in a verbal corner, try using non-critical words and don’t attack or question their motives. 

There is no win here. Use phrases with sincerity. Phrases such as “I’m trying to understand what you are saying, leave it with me and I’ll come back to you on that one” can help disentangle. You have the option to smile sweetly and say “Well, I’ll take that into consideration. I am sorry you feel that way.” Make your polite exit. Walk away and keep the tone light. 

6) You can have objective empathy, so you can spend less time with the person and try to remember it’s okay to do this. 

Just because you live near a poisoned lake, doesn’t mean you have to drink from it every day and it can still have lovely elements on sunrise. Focus on the positive, but remember it’s okay to say no. 

7) Do not believe the love bombing. 

The Narcissist enjoys making you feel loved up and joyful; this may come in the form of gifts or favours. This makes you fodder; it makes you open up and become vulnerable for an unfortunate future personal attack. Be pleasant, but don’t soak it up or take it as gospel. Be objective and don’t get attached to incoming feels. They become weapons later. 

8) Do not encourage codependency. 

Be warned! You need you. Be self-sufficient and do not rely on the person. Relying on people who care about you for support sometimes is okay, this is the essence of community, looking out for each other. But do NOT do this with a Narcissist. This will foster a sense of dependency, so when you do wake up and realise what is happening, you will have emotions, not unlike an addiction. 

9) Pay attention! 

 

Long term exposure to Narcissism can make you immune to the behaviour. Keep a note of when you feel awful or manipulated and when you don’t. Are you okay at work and with other relationships? Do you have strong bonds with others and feel good? If you only feel poorly around one person, this is a sign of a deeper issue. Ongoing mental manipulation is damaging and will have consequences.  

 

10) Get educated. 

 

You have power in your life to make choices, so make them! Reclaim your personal power and find out more about these aspects showing up in your life. Why are you making room for them? Do you have to? What will happen if you don’t make any changes with this relationship or within yourself concerning this person? What might happen if you do? Seek help professionally and use the situation to learn about the events in your life. 

According to Erika Carlson and co in extensive research; the Narcissist is often fully aware of their reputation and simply do not care. 

 

They believe they are genuinely the right one, the most important. Consider for a moment that narcissistic people do not really lack empathy, but instead, their vulnerability and need for self-protection limits their freedom to express it.

Exploiting and bullying others while being the best on show is a standout feature of NPD, and some very strong tricks are used to keep everyone playing out the illusion. So the warning here is if you listen for long enough, even the strongest of minds can and do break under pressure.

Calling a person with NPD out can inflame the situation making life much harder for you. Stay calm, collected and reduce your exposure. 

**Always seek medical assistance and professional psychological help. Helping yourself is the first step to a positive life.

Journals and websites for further reading: 

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition

Kacel, E. L., Ennis, N., & Pereira, D. B. (2017). Narcissistic Personality Disorder 

Clinical Health Psychology Practice: Case Studies of Comorbid Psychological Distress and Life-Limiting Illness. Behavioural Medicine, 43(3), 156-164

Carlson, E. N., Wright, A. & Iman, H. (2017). Blissfully blind or painfully aware? Exploring the beliefs people with interpersonal problems have about their reputation. Journal of Personality, 85, 757-768. 10.1111/jopy.12284 

Getting to Know a Narcissist Inside and Out

Erika N. Carlson  Laura P. Naumann  Simine Vazire

Book Editor(s): W. Keith Campbell  Joshua D. Miller

First published: 20 July 2011

https://doi.org/10.1002/9781118093108.ch25

Citations: 6

https://www.skiplab.org/erika

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm

 

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder/

https://pro.psychcentral.com/freud-and-the-nature-of-narcissism/

https://blogs.uoregon.edu/autismhistoryproject/archive/sigmund-freud-on-narcissism-1914/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/202004/so-youre-stuck-home-your-narcissist-parent

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0146167215581712 

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder

Written by Kirsten Macdonald

Narnia, A Faraway Tree with a smidge of a Doc called Suess, and some Kahlil Gibran is the word charm that grew seeds in Kirsten Macdonald's imagination. She has an innate curiosity about the stories of "us" and a deep faith that is strongly supported by a dark sense of humour. Ask this wordsmith about anthropology, ancient religions, the curious nature of humanity and the incredible cuteness of sloths and you will have a conversation for hours. Writer, editor and researcher, Kirsten has developed Ponderings into a space that is now shared by a team and a shared vision that is infectiously positive and forged in good stuff.

Related Articles

Related

The Quirkiest Places For Couples to Stay around Australia Post Iso

Scrolling through the endless pages on Airbnb can be tiresome, especially if you are looking for a unique stay!

We have done the hard work for you with our round-up of key properties from each state that have that WOW factor guaranteed to impress your bae. From converted churches, barns and coastal getaways – we have them all and what’s better is most are affordable and have amazing guest ratings.

read more
Follow Us

Join

Subscribe For Updates & Offers

Support our mission to write and produce Positive Stortelling, it takes a tribe to build one. 

Thou Dost Protest Too Little

Thou Dost Protest Too Little

Democracy is a beautiful instrument; however, it can be plucked in ways producing music not kind to our ears, or a little bent. 

Upholding democracy means tuning and care. In the theatre of life; if the play isn’t going the way we like it, we have ways we can express this, and it isn’t about throwing rotten tomatoes. 

Enter the protestor! 

Many associate protestors with “lefties” or a mob mentality. 

Okay so maybe you’re not a fan of crowds. I get it. I’ve got personal space issues at the best of times and a compromised immune system. So during a pandemic, the health experts aren’t the only ones concerned. Aside from the current virus outbreak; large groups aren’t everyone’s cup of tea, but if we examine the importance of protest closely, we may just reclaim the joy and freedom of positive impact. 

Who could blame us in this big fast progressing world for being overwhelmed? 

The actors are getting cunning; the characters are intense and layered. It could be said people have grown disenfranchised; they no longer feel in control of the world around them, the bigger picture is out of their hands, and they have as much impact as a water bottle in a blizzard. Men in suits in closeted rooms might be doing deals; we can’t change anything. Or can we? 

Peaceful protest is a way of demonstrating your concerns and a larger cry for change; a Please and Thankyou or Come On We Have Had Enough. Some may even say it is a means of civil duty. 

Mahatma Gandhi took a walk one day; it lasted another 22 with a 240-mile stroll to the coast of India to collect salt, which was illegal under crown laws. He collected tens of thousands of people along the way. His quest for satyagraha (asserting for truth) and ahimsa (non-violence) was indeed compelling.

The governing body was forced to admit Gandhi into a legislative council, he was recognised as a force to be reckoned with, and India eventually gained her independence. Even though the protest was peaceful, many died, and Gandhi himself was jailed and ultimately assassinated. 

Needless to say, his legacy lives on, and the non-violent peacekeeper anchored in our human history. 

Martin Luther’s demand in the 1500s for the everyday person to have access to the Bible, limiting the financial indulgences of the catholic church and announcing salvation could be achieved through faith alone was the beginning of the Protestant movement.

Martin sought to place the Bible into the hands of ordinary Christians. He translated it from the language of scholars and clergy; Latin-into the vernacular. This lead to the reformation. To protest. Again, the world altered monumentally. 

Do you object? That’s okay; it is your democratic right. 

You can object and argue all day long, about anything you like. I am not trying to get into a religious debate, but rather I am using this to illustrate times in history where protesting changed something. Good one Captain Obvious, but there will be those who comment without understanding the intent. 

Debating might not win you friends or help you influence people, but hey, everyone has an opinion. Shall we ponder some more? 

Many protests have turned to horror. 

 

Anarchy, chaos, looting, murder, rape and complete mayhem can ensue when passive resistance turns to aggressive agitation—Dante’s inferno springs to mind. 

 

We can adhere to principles, or we risk protests becoming the vehicle for suppressed rage. When people get intensely passionate, physicality is never far away. A power battle ensues and people can get very hurt. This highly charged atmosphere can turn us against each other and make enemies of those on either side of the barricade. 

 

In Australia we have a template, a best practice medium if you like for protest, you can access it here. We are very capable of growing our choices like seeds that turn into a beautiful new species of trees, ones that have been calling us for so very long. Evolving can be a choice. 

 

The set of principles as set out by the Human Rights Law Centre are a brilliant resource for knowing and understanding your rights as a citizen to demonstrate your expression. 

“These principles are rooted in Australia’s Constitution, international law, common law, and general democratic principles. They also draw on international and domestic best practice. They provide a blueprint for a democracy in which the freedoms of expression and assembly are respected and protected.”

A protest is often the way our politicians can gauge the temperature of the community. 

If there is enough uproar, enough disheartened “loudness” it can get hot in the kitchen. Sometimes the soft leaders will call for expensive referendums or voting booths to make sure they are being forced into the act, then when it swings the other way they can’t do much; because the “people have spoken.”

As frustrating as this stance can be, we are reminded they too are vehicles for democracy to journey on.

So perhaps a big enough peaceful assembly signals to our leaders their people want the opportunity to make a different choice or to change something. 

We cannot forget the success 116 years ago by the Suffragettes. In 1918, the efforts of the women’s suffrage movement resulted in a Bill being passed through Parliament granting women the right to vote. They had to be over the age of 30 and own property, or be married to someone who owned property. Despite the restrictions, it was still a big victory, giving 8.4 million women the vote!

 

JAX Tyres for Ponderings

We are seeing more and more laws getting passed like notes in class, seeking to turn a peaceful protest into civil disobedience and chargeable offences. 

What drives this? There will be plenty of guesses, often the bell of truth tolls when money is afoot; commercial interests tend to yank the rope. Caution is needed here, and we must pay attention.

Our civil liberties and the right to protest are precious and necessary. It is our means of expression and upholding democracy. Lawmakers and governments should take positive steps to promote freedoms of expression and assembly. Let’s not allow the lawmakers to bend the rules and clip our wings. Freedom is a bird who must never have her wings clipped, even if she is told the removal of feathers will keep her safe. 

Am I an idealist? Absolutely. Always. 

Some great articles to read: 

 

The Principles of Protest in Australia by the Human Rights Law Centre

Martin Luther

Gandhi – The Website 

Suffragettes Movement 

 

Written by Kirsten Macdonald

Narnia, A Faraway Tree with a smidge of a Doc called Suess, and some Kahlil Gibran is the word charm that grew seeds in Kirsten Macdonald's imagination. She has an innate curiosity about the stories of "us" and a deep faith that is strongly supported by a dark sense of humour. Ask this wordsmith about anthropology, ancient religions, the curious nature of humanity and the incredible cuteness of sloths and you will have a conversation for hours. Writer, editor and researcher, Kirsten has developed Ponderings into a space that is now shared by a team and a shared vision that is infectiously positive and forged in good stuff.

Related Articles

Related

The Quirkiest Places For Couples to Stay around Australia Post Iso

Scrolling through the endless pages on Airbnb can be tiresome, especially if you are looking for a unique stay!

We have done the hard work for you with our round-up of key properties from each state that have that WOW factor guaranteed to impress your bae. From converted churches, barns and coastal getaways – we have them all and what’s better is most are affordable and have amazing guest ratings.

read more
Follow Us

Join

Subscribe For Updates & Offers

Support our mission to write and produce Positive Stortelling, it takes a tribe to build one. 

Pooh Bear Pandemic Survival Guide

Pooh Bear Pandemic Survival Guide

A little  bit of Pooh Bear goes a very long way, we hope this makes you smile a little x

1) You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. 

 

Don’t get overwhelmed with the news, and it can create mega anxiety. Be informed, be aware but not alarmed. A positive mindset is always better for your health than a negative one, ask Eeyore. Pooh Bear isn’t the only one; increasing evidence suggests that positive affect may be especially beneficial for people in the midst of severe stress.  

 

EH Shepard Pooh Bear Ponderings Magazine
EH Shepard Pooh Bear Ponderings Magazine

2. Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart. 

Isolation has taught us so much; particularly in the western world. What we value, what we miss and what we need and don’t need is just a start. Our children are small, but their futures are big! 

3. I wasn’t going to eat it; I was just going to taste it. 

Nothing else needed here. Just pause and reflect. (too soon?) 

4) A hug is always the right size.

Hugs, how important is human touch and contact? Never underestimate a hug until you can’t give one. Then never underestimate the ability it can have to turn from a gesture of love to a vehicle for a virus. Hang onto those hugs people, then when you can hug the stuffing out of people. 

5) If you live to be a hundred, I hope I live to be a hundred minus one day, so that I never have to live a day without you.

Don’t spare a minute, if you are sorry; say sorry. If you miss someone; tell them. If you care, say it. If you think someone is wonderful; tell them. People are unique, every single one of them. Regrets are like honey pots you left on an ant nest. 

 

It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like, ‘What about lunch?’

6) Governments, spokespeople- please keep it simple. Please don’t confuse us. KISS method works well always. Keeping it Simple is Sophisticated.  

7) You can’t stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes. 

Think outside the square and think for yourself, help a neighbour, a relative or someone you don’t even know. The most wonderful things can happen when you look outside your corner.

EH Shepard Pooh Bear Ponderings Magazine
EH Shepard Pooh Bear Ponderings Magazine

8) Always watch where you are going. Otherwise, you may step on a piece of the Forest that was left out by mistake.  

Think for yourself, friend, and be discerning. For you may journey into the territory of someone you are not supposed to, use your words carefully, for they are steps that may stumble onto another person’s heart. In times of global stress, our words in person and online can become breadcrumbs baked from the loaf of fear and frustration. 

9) How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard?

 

Pain is sometimes the price we pay for love and freedom. Because the magical thing is; love and freedom never die, they change postcode, they morph, hide, turn into a new feeling. The level can change intensity, but they do not die. Value freedom and love always, for when they increase, we appreciate them more than before. States of mind build the foundations of the heart. 

10) With a little dash of Eyeore for good measure- They’re funny things accidents, you never have them until you have them. 

Be safe, go gentle, be kind and be patient. A person’s humanity is only tested in times of trial and tribulation. 

With thanks to the glorious works of A.A Milne and the illlustrations of E.H Shepard

 

Written by Kirsten Macdonald

Narnia, A Faraway Tree with a smidge of a Doc called Suess, and some Kahlil Gibran is the word charm that grew seeds in Kirsten Macdonald's imagination. She has an innate curiosity about the stories of "us" and a deep faith that is strongly supported by a dark sense of humour. Ask this wordsmith about anthropology, ancient religions, the curious nature of humanity and the incredible cuteness of sloths and you will have a conversation for hours. Writer, editor and researcher, Kirsten has developed Ponderings into a space that is now shared by a team and a shared vision that is infectiously positive and forged in good stuff.

Related Articles

Related

The Quirkiest Places For Couples to Stay around Australia Post Iso

Scrolling through the endless pages on Airbnb can be tiresome, especially if you are looking for a unique stay!

We have done the hard work for you with our round-up of key properties from each state that have that WOW factor guaranteed to impress your bae. From converted churches, barns and coastal getaways – we have them all and what’s better is most are affordable and have amazing guest ratings.

read more
Follow Us

Join

Subscribe For Updates & Offers

Support our mission to write and produce Positive Stortelling, it takes a tribe to build one. 

Fearless Maria, Formula One Italian Goddess

Fearless Maria, Formula One Italian Goddess

Fearless Maria, Formula One Italian Goddess

Written by Kirsten Macdonald

June 9, 2020

I wonder if Maria Teresa de Filippis smiled and cried out Sfida Ccettata! As she sped passed her brothers, the harmonious purr of the beloved Tolpolina, Fiat 500 rolling beneath her. 

Something tells me it wasn’t the just motorsport she was flying in the face of. The 1950s was a time of red-blooded patriarchal dominance. However, Maria Teresa became not only admired by her male counterparts for her skill but adored for her daring and dedication. 

 

When Maria Teresa de Filippis brother’s teased her;  taunting that she couldn’t race as fast as them; the challenge was on. 

She went one step further and after being told by her mother “Go slowly but win,” Maria took on the hairy roads of the Amalfi Coast. 

Maria Teresa de Filippi Ponderings magazine photo credit Motorsport
JAX Tyres for Ponderings

For those not familiar with the breathtaking Amalfi Costiera Amalfitana coast, this famous stretch of road in Southern Italy features hairpin bends, no barricades, blind corners and steep climbs. 

Am I painting you a picture? It is not for the faint of heart. The young Italian completed the Salerno-Cava Dei Tirreni hill climb, in a tiny Fiat 500 in 1948. She indeed followed her mother’s advice and won her class and finished second overall in a Fiat 500. 

Not bad for a girl born in Naples Aristocracy with a silver spoon in her mouth. Her father was Count Serino Franz de Filippis, Narcisa, Anselmi, Balaguer, Roca de Togores y Ruco hu Perpignan. Maria-Teresa was the youngest of his children. The Count was an engineer and Maria grew up playing with old cars in the stables. 

According to her family one day she went to a fortune-teller in Naples who looked at her palm and told her that within a year she would take part in a motor race and would win it.

 

“I started racing because of that bet with my two brothers, but immediately – when I discovered I liked it – I thought, ‘I’ll just carry on racing’,” she explained. “I remember that when I went there, I felt that I would be anxious. But then I discovered that I wasn’t, that I had no fear at all. So I just kept on going, came out on top – second overall – and thought, ‘Well, this could be a new thing for me’.

Maria Teresa de Filippi

Maria moved up to compete in the Italian Sportscar Championship by 1954. 

Finishing second overall, Maria was invited to drive for Maserati. She went on to participate in five World Championship Grands Prix. The first woman to race in Formula One, Maria was a pioneer in racing throughout her life. She loved a cigarette and was considered by those who knew her forthright and had a wicked sense of humour. 

According to Maria, some men were initially doubtful of her ability. 

She was stopped from competing in the 1958 French Grand Prix in Reims; Maria did encounter the patriarchy in full force. Race Director Toto Roche looked her up and down before declaring, “The only helmet a beautiful woman should wear is the one at the hairdressers.” Ouch! 

“Apart from that I don’t think I encountered any prejudice – only surprise at my success,” she added. Although there were “difficulties and misunderstandings” she had to overcome, she said, “Many journalists, too, did not always want general news but tried to get me to talk about particular situations as the only woman in the field.”

Maria weighed a mere 49 kilos because she was so small, Medardo Fantuzzi built special padding in the cockpit of her Maserati along with a cushion so that she could reach the pedals. 

In 1956 she competed in the Buenos Aires 1000km; the race took a devastating turn when she swerved to avoid another person’s accident and hit a telegraph pole. Maria recovered from her injuries after several months, which included a broken shoulder. Still, according to sources, her confidence was unaffected. Quite fearless, Maria even had to be rescued from a crash where the car was dangling over a cliff. Maria suffered hearing loss in one ear as a result. 

 

In 1958 she entered the Monaco GP, and the future champion qualified 15th. Still, it broke down, but De Filippis failed to qualify her Maserati 250F. De Filippis then qualified for the Belgian GP and finished 10th.

 

1958 bought tragedy when a close friend and lover Luigi Musso was killed in the French Grand Prix and then in the following August of 1959 her dear friend Jean Behra was killed during the race in which Maria was supposed to compete. 

 

Too many friends had died,” she said. “Then Behra died … that for me was the most tragic because it was in a race that I should have been taking part in. I didn’t go to the circuits any more.”

 

Maria Teresa de Filippi Ponderings magazine photo credit Motorsport

Maria left the racing industry, and while on holiday in St Anton, Austria, de Filippis fell in love with Theodor Huschek, an Austrian textile chemist. One year later they married and settled in Italy after living in Austria and Switzerland. 

But her love for racing did not wane, after encouragement the inspiring pioneer returned in 1979 joining the International Club of Former F1 Grand Prix Drivers, an F1 drivers union, serving as the club’s vice-president and going on to become the honorary president. 

A beloved go-getter in a world not quite ready for the fearless woman, we salute Maria Theresa de Filippi. Four other women have since competed in the sport, most recently Giovanna Amati in 1992. But after more than 25 years; it seems we are well overdue for another? 

Maria Teresa de Filippis (11 November 1926 – 8 January 2016)

Maria Teresa de Filippi Ponderings magazine photo credit Motorsport

Written by Kirsten Macdonald

Narnia, A Faraway Tree with a smidge of a Doc called Suess, and some Kahlil Gibran is the word charm that grew seeds in Kirsten Macdonald's imagination. She has an innate curiosity about the stories of "us" and a deep faith that is strongly supported by a dark sense of humour. Ask this wordsmith about anthropology, ancient religions, the curious nature of humanity and the incredible cuteness of sloths and you will have a conversation for hours. Writer, editor and researcher, Kirsten has developed Ponderings into a space that is now shared by a team and a shared vision that is infectiously positive and forged in good stuff.

Related Articles

Related

The Quirkiest Places For Couples to Stay around Australia Post Iso

Scrolling through the endless pages on Airbnb can be tiresome, especially if you are looking for a unique stay!

We have done the hard work for you with our round-up of key properties from each state that have that WOW factor guaranteed to impress your bae. From converted churches, barns and coastal getaways – we have them all and what’s better is most are affordable and have amazing guest ratings.

read more
Follow Us

Join

Subscribe For Updates & Offers

Support our mission to write and produce Positive Stortelling, it takes a tribe to build one. 

%d bloggers like this: