The Negative Thinkers Guide to The Galaxy

Written by Kirsten Macdonald.

Calling Alanis and her Jagged Little Pill… Warning: what you are about to read is a little bit of satire and irony, read if you dare!

ONE: Do you really need to talk about it?

Wouldn’t it be better if you bottled all of those traumas up that had nothing to do with you as a child and wait for them to manifest like potatoes sprouting out your ears? Tough people fester and pop with emotion later—a bit like a volcano burp only more dramatic. Hold onto it, if you dare.

TWO: Be a part of the problem; not the solution!

Instead of wasting all that energy you have trying to understand a perspective different from yours; you could spend it coming up with a million reasons to defend an oppositional opinion that bears no assistance to anyone. So much less fun and helpful, and who wants to contribute in a positive way to society anyway? Geez.

THREE: Life only holds a certain amount of resources- surely there is not enough for everyone.

If Jack has a better car than you do and makes more money but has the formal education of a gnat, it reinforces that adage- what’s the point? No use developing your own unique path in life and finding abundance or prosperity. Jack has it all.

FOUR: You can’t get what you want when you want it.

You ask for it, and zilch. You have a plan, so why isn’t it happening? Ask Veruca Salt; or Augustus Gloop. I want it now! Roald had a few thoughts on this; it ended with rotten eggs and getting stuck in a pipe. Could be worse. So plan wisely and expect the worst in your time frame you made up and told the universe to deliver. Giving the “universe” a deadline makes complete sense, don’t you think?

FIVE: Always be wary of politicians.

No one ever grew up wanting to make a change in the world or aspired to stand up for the people. All snotty-nosed mean people just want to rule the whole planet, ruin it completely and get an excellent retirement package and make up taxes and legislation to make life difficult for everyone. We hear they have a secret handshake involving a pinky on the lip with a cackle. They eat criticism for breaky like cornflakes. Its new world order.

SIX: Are addictions REALLY that bad?

If you are a high functioning addict, what is the worst that can happen? You only live once right, except when you don’t.

SEVEN: Make sure you watch the news at LEAST three times a day.

Get all the latest updates on your phone or any device you have. You must not miss a beat. That arrest in Brazil might impact the price of bricks in Tootgarook. Believe everything you watch, the world is a big bad place, and you must be on top of it, if not to think about but to cause you subconscious stress which is like salt and pepper for Number 5 and 6.

EIGHT: Self-doubt: doing this before anyone else can certainly keep out the go-between.

Why buy wholesale when you can make it your self? Doubting yourself at every turn is a sure way to stop worrying about doing anything new or exciting; both emotions that can induce feelings of joy, so TREAD CAREFULLY HERE PEOPLE!

NINE: Ruminate, ruminate and more rumination!

Ruminate: mid 16th century: from Latin ruminat- ‘chewed over’, from the verb ruminari. To deeply think.

Then get stuck ruminating. A hamster in a wheel springs to one’s mind, and why not? It’s not like your time can be spent doing something more constructive anyway. 10,000 mental steps in the reverse direction must be suitable for something surely.

TEN: Don’t change.

The only humans who like a change are babies. Change means different. Different is scary. Scary means no, right? Learning more about the world just makes life uncomfortable, undoubtedly it’s much better to sit in the proverbial and endure?

Endurance means a tough skill set, and if you pair this with bottling shit up, with a dash of self-doubt, a sprinkle of global suspicion and a ripper addiction you have my friends a brilliant cocktail called the Clusterf**k delight; shaken not stirred. It goes down a treat with a twist of impatience and a bowl of conspiracy theory.

End note: please be advised this is satire and a tongue in cheek reflection. If feeling overly negative, please seek professional guidance.

See these helpful resources;

Beyond Blue

Lifeline

Sane