I had this moment when my heart ached. Something grabbed my stomach muscles tightly like a punch drunk boxer, fiercely, so much that for a second I thought I might vomit. Too much, too much, too much. My heart hurts, I could feel too much. When I hear folks talk about heart chakras, I imagine mine to be a ripped open wide mess flapping at the edges like an old worn tent. My eyes willed the salty drops not to fall, I opened them wider to compensate, so they could swallow the water back up. I was sitting on the couch, my legs naturally curled to my chest. I wanted to rock, but I did not. I wanted to wrap my arms up over my head to protect myself and rock. But I did not. There’s fright, there’s flight and then there’s foetal. Emotional Armadillo mode was about to engage. The voices around me just added to the barrage, noises clustered and coiled, a scattering of syllables. I look at one of my children who has been very unwell also, such a beautiful human being, my other children, arguing, laughing again, so beautiful.
Focus on the Breath.
I looked to the right and in that second my eight year old’s blue eyes caught mine. They lit up when they glimpsed me, and its a calm magic. It sounds so corny but in that moment I am certain a little silver thread of love like an umbilical chord came from his heart to mine.
Someone cracked a joke, there’s laughter and the syllables started to form words. I was drawn out and I was in my circle again.
There was a messy storm of emotion just rolled away across the mountain.
What bought it on?
We put up our Christmas tree.
In those moments, my thoughts, not negative but realising the possibilities. I am simultaneously grateful, sad and hurting all in one. There’s a layer of Symbolism in this moment. It sits at the fringe of disbelief and happiness, total contrasts of feeling; I am here, many are not. Moments like these suspend time. Prayer is an action, miracles are real. They can and do happen. Is this my last Christmas? How do I make this special? How do I take it all in? I am going to live until I am 90 bloody 7 but still, what if this is? Should we treat every Christmas like its our last so its the best Christmas we ever have every year? This beautiful milestone etched into my household’s belief system is amplified. I pray…
There have been people all over the world praying for us. Not only is it humbling it stops you in your tracks when you take away the words “I will pray for you” and think about what someone is actually doing. So what does this mean? Praying for us? People really want to do it, people say they will do it. Presidents and Prime ministers insert it into their speeches for millions. We will pray for them… So what is prayer? Pondering again…I picture in my mind that its a frequency of thought actioned with love. So when you take thought, love and belief and mix it together; there’s that Alchemy thing going on. I cant wait for the day scientists actually discover the frequency transmission Prayer and Conscious thought travel on. Now that is going to be epic. So right now if you pray for someone, you are putting out a frequency, actioned with love and a request to God to help that person in need. That person is a recipient of your conscious thought of love, care and goodwill. There is power in that. I have felt it personally as have my children and loved ones over the last few months. But I wonder on the how of it? How does it work?
Do you ever think about science and “belief”, or how the two might meld, how now that science develops faster and faster all sorts of things start to appear and disappear. Old thoughts challenged, new ones presented…I am a lady of faith, but I do have a curious mind, a questioning mind.
This morning I was sitting in my usual spot against the wall at the beach, and I spotted a sea shell to my right nested in the sand. I picked it up and looked at its curling spirals. I thought of the Golden Ratio or Mean. Have you heard of it? Its the Theory of a mathematical equation Phi- Plato (428 B.C. – 347 B.C.) considered the Golden ratio to be the most universally binding of mathematical relationships. DONT FREAK OUT ON ME: I wont go into the Geek-athon side of it, but the number you want to remember is , Φ = 1.618 033. The Spiral in a shell, the petals of a sunflower, the dimensions of a tornado, and more recently DNA molecules are all examples of the Phi equation. Michael Angelo’s David and the Pantheon are believed to be designed used phi.
Here’s an experiment:
Get a tape measure, measure from your hand from the tip of your middle finger to the wrist, multiply it by 1.618, you will end up with a number close to the distance between your elbow and wrist. I am not kidding try it! Sea shells follow this equation, the Milky Way, Pine cones… the list goes on and on. Try Googling it, its fascinating stuff.
So I start wondering pondering as I do…. How? How can we be random acts of chaotic matter and material, balls of cells that just crawled from the sludge that was Primordial soup, a Prokaryote snot ball? Nah, that just doesn’t ring true. There is no logic in that for me. To my sense of thought a creator, a design and an equation is more logical. I think if God created the world it stands to reason he is a genius in galactic proportions, and Phi is just another example of the architecture in the natural world. There’s design there, maths there. So who designed it? Who was the architect? I mean I know in my heart what I believe but the how of it…Boy my mind…this is seriously what confounds me when I see a sea shell. No wonder my brain is full, lol.
So after I look at this shell and think of all this and write down my thoughts which has turned into this again rambling and odd blog I pray that by the time I get home my house will be clean. You see a mother’s idea of clean and her brood’s are two very different frequencies. I would like to say that all of my recent days are spent levitating and resting like Yoda in the Dagobah forrest conjuring the force with a smile on my face. Not true. Lies. I’m resisting “commenting or demanding.” There are “subtle hints” about picking up things, or the way the washing should be done. Then I tell myself it doesn’t matter, its not important. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
So…I get a cleaner in. But the weirdest thing happened, when the cleaner came in, she was only here for 5 minutes and ran out screaming, faster than a fart in a fan factory. hmmmmm. Obviously the Phi didn’t equate properly, the Golden Ratio of the distance of dirty clothes to the washing machine was out by a percentile. The irony of my life right now; the every day ordinary perception of mundane mixed in with the “never normally thought of.” The little things are all mixed up with the big things. I walk through an odd wilderness at the moment. I will just keep walking, following the sign posts, trying to focus on the positive outcome of “healthy” and not getting too stuck down in the “Bog of Eternal Stench” – (Labyrinth fan anyone?)
In my moment of disquiet looking at the Christmas tree, what pulled me out? It was the prayer, the request and a look of love from my little boy. And then I am reminded by a quote I love:
“And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince
PS- I googled it and Phi is also in a concave polygon. I have no idea what reasoning I am using or grasping here but thought Id mention in it cos its a bit cool.
PPS- In our prayers this week is our little friend Josh go tohttps://www.facebook.com/groups/486199341522224/ to light a candle for Josh. Josh is a champion and brave little man who has been in the Royal Children’s Hospital since April fighting Aplastic Anaemia, after an arduous search all over the world he finally received a Bone Marrow transplant. Josh’s body has been toughing out the difficult grafting process and is today in the ICU in a very serious condition. His family are beautiful positive and gorgeous friends of ours who have remained vigilant, loving and smiling throughout all of this. They showed us a tremendous amount of love and support when they themselves are on a difficult journey. His Mother Hilary gives the most amazing hugs and is a giver of love to many around her. However right now they need our prayers and they desperately need their little boy to get better. So I would humbly ask you to tap into that Request, Love and Thought Action called Prayer and send it his way.
PPS- Mr. Marsden your new book is AWESOME xx