Monday morning I woke up in a sweat, my heart was beating very fast. In less than 4 hours I would be in the MRI machine again.
Shortly after that a meeting would happen where I would find out if FRED was working or not. I hoped FRED hadn’t taken off to Hawaii or France for Christmas. I dearly prayed that FRED wasn’t blocking any major arteries and this aneurysm wasn’t growing. My mind was full of wasn’t hasn’t and hadn’t.
I went out the back to my nice stretch of green lawn under the fruit trees to do Yoga. I stretched out, like a cat. The sun was already out and the warmth of it on my skin made me smile. As i finished my stretches and closed my eyes for prayer/meditation I was gently reminded that I had indeed chosen the wrong words. The FRED IS working, there ARE no arteries blocked and the aneurysm IS safely shrinking. The reminder was gentle yet poignant, and again I was smiling. Humbled.
To think of something as it is already occurring, affirming it for our bodies, our minds and hearts is the first step in healing.
You can read this and call it denial. Go on, I dare you. I call it working. It has to. You see I have three children, they need me. They think I am funny and I make them laugh. Thats pretty awesome, I also wake them up at times in the middle of the night kissing them and blowing raspberries on their tummies. I know they complain about it, but I see the smile. I know they would miss my messy raspberries if I wasn’t here. So FRED you are like my new Imaginary friend, I can’t see you but I will talk to you. (I warned you last week I was nuts)
Before our stop off to the hospital I called in to visit a dear friend of mine at the Royal Children’s Hospital.
Her little boy has been in there since April very unwell. I was blessed to be able to enter the sterile area they are keeping him safe from bugs and infections. Gowned up and masked I walked into the quiet little space of beeping machines. As I set eyes on this small boy sitting up in his chair, cables and tubes spread everywhere, pumping and signalling, my breath stopped. Everything felt stilled and my heart leaped. I was motionless for what felt like forever but was only seconds.
Before me was the most magnificent sight I had ever seen in my life. Honestly, the MOST amazing. A champion, as brave and true as Arthur about to pull the sword from the stone, as mighty as David bravely staring down Goliath was this person, small in stature but HUGE beyond belief sat this Warrior child. How could someone who was only a child be so beautifully magnificent, I have been in the presence of some pretty “important” people before, but I knew at that moment that I was in the presence of someone very very important, and powerful. A little gentleman with his manners so gorgeously intact and polite, He could not see me, as I told him I was there, he smiled. That smile was a thousand watts of brilliance. As I sat and chatted again I was gently reminded that my MRI and my battle could be fought with ease, look at this Warrior boy in front of me! If he can do this epic journey to the top of his mountain, then my small skip across a teency ravine could be done with ease.
If Mum reads this to you my little friend, I bless you and with all my heart I say thank you. Not because your body has been unwell, but because your personality and this mightiness you have inside you is contagious and brilliant. You are my hero my man. Your family is like the Incredibles seriously! The whole lot of you are super human and tenacious. I think we shall have costumes made for you what do you think?
So I toddled off to the other hospital, had my MRI and FRED looks like he is doing ok. The Aneurysm is there, but it is the same. Its going to take a long time to tell if I am going to be ok. I know though. I am just fine. A few months ago they said I might not make it to Christmas.
I hate to be the one to drop the bombshell but Christmas iS TOMORROW! Hello PRESENTS! I love presents, really I do.
Tomorrow morning I will get to wake up to squeals, cries of laughter and overexcited children, grandparents, uncles, Loud Christmas Carols by the Buble and puppy dogs. A big over the top tree thats terrible Kitsch and drooping with ancient decorations shall await me, underneath a silly amount of gifts (Old mum might have gone a leeeetle bit over the top this year…just sayin) – (Mortality does that to you, puts a hole in your bank balance) and hopefully a good hot cup of coffee. As I sit there, I shall send you all a prayer of blessing, thanks and gratitude. For at this special time of year, I am here. I am here! Have yourselves a Very Merry Christmas, keep safe and hug a lot of people if you can. If Christmas is hard for you this year because your special person is not here, I send you a peaceful heart and precious memories that are vivid enough to hold in your hand and heart x
Much Love to you and yours,