Calling all Polygons…are you ready?

Well hello 2016 you sexy son of a bitch. How are you? Are you surviving?

I would like to begin my saying I wish mine had started off with a positive bang. But there is a fine line between Philosophy and Reality, the paradoxical duo that have us stumbling around in First World problems with a gin and tonic in one hand and Dr. Seuss in the other.

Disclaimer: I make no apology for the depth of the following conversation- there IS NO small talk ( as a friend of mine would say). If you would like to walk in the meadow together and chat about the weather please put on your TV or Google it, cos it ain’t going to happen.

I would love to say that 2016 started off joyfully, however that would be giving it the congrats it barely deserves, I shall be complimentary enough to grant it the respect it needs so far- it has bought abundant lessons and invaluable reflections. Life gives you lemons? Our lemon tree is throwing them like a bitch, its a dodge-ball game without the lemonade! No, that’s not true, watch me make that lemonade, it shall be the finest lemonade in the all land, tart with a hint of zesty sweetness, the elixir of life…

I have heard it mentioned in some circles that the current position of the world is in a “quickening.”

There are a lot of things going on in our atmosphere, our humanity and cosmos creating quite a commotion. Whether you subscribe to this or not, I have seen some shit go down already that is breathtaking, like an operetta of “Uh Oh”. Astrology charts should be shouting in capital letters  “Hang onto your seats ladies and gentlemen and kiss your bums goodbye” Okay maybe I am being melodramatic.

But if you look around you there is a lot of stuff going on all over the world, both positive and horrendous. Everyone is on their own journey and popping their heads over into other people’s journeys. Some of those head popper-overers are sticky beaks, some are saviors and some are just narcissistic voyeurs, either way it’s a busy place to be.

I have images of our Guardian Angels walking home from work, exhausted, wings drooping and shaking their heads in bewilderment, then steeling themselves up for a new day at the office like Rocky prepping for the Clubber Lang fight.

I have had moments of wanting to pack up my favorite people, fellow Concave Polygons and run for the hills where we can make moonshine, whistle Bowie tunes (this is an artform, try and whistle Golden Years from start to finish. RIP major Tom x) and discuss the Politics of Jedi balance. This is true.

But I didn’t. I stayed in the Burbs and did the washing, paid the bills, mopped the floors etc etc. Time to be mumsy, a wifey, a friend, an aunty, a daughter, a sibling, an entrepreneur, a writer, a candlestick maker…

November and December bought Light a Spark campaign, to raise money for the Alfred Hospital and with that gorgeous journey with my lovely new friend Regina, my family and I found ourselves promoting, wrapping, packing and delivering Candles all over Australia to raise funds for the Neuro ward at the Alfred Hospital Melbourne, and we didn’t stop!

Busy tidbits and  family commitments had me up to my ears in candle wax and ‘what- not’s’ which left little time for much, top that with brilliant  business success for the year, a Dad who was still alive and recovering after a very scary near miss, new friendships and exciting times and then….then came the Christmas tsunami.

Christmas is usually a time of honoured blessings, fun fervour and rejoicing our Christian faith in our household.

This Christmas was different. Not a nice different either… the faith was there but whoa…there were personal upheavals going on around us so fast it was crazy and from every angle. Relationship breakdowns with friendships, new business deals souring, hurt, confusion, anger, arguments…our world became a sudden and unexpected battleground with us sitting here dazed and confused. I won’t go into personal detail but its been a bit awful.

Then there has been the quiet realization creeping in too that the “next check” was coming, and this always brings with it restlessness.

The momentum starts to build of what will or won’t be, and if you have ever tried to take a dog back to the vets for a check after having a procedure you will know that wee pup is going to drag its backside. Backside dragging I am good at, as well as using the mantra “IM FINE.” Lesson #657: Health Crisis do not make you immune from humans behaving badly, including yourself. Lesson #658: Getting sick can scare other humans and make them want to not like you anymore, if you die they will hurt so step away as quickly as possible. My Question for the teacher: But sir, what happens if you have no intention of dying and you plan on living until you are at least 98? At least!  Response: can you hear crickets chirping?

To cut it all short I basically swung into the New Year exhausted, and I will acknowledge right here I was warned.

Loved ones around me warned me, my body warned me. It wasn’t from work or physical exertion, it was from trying to please everyone and everything, every need and most of all trying to bow to the my own needs and demands of Time.

Time has been my friend, my blessings, my curse, my companion, my alarm, my reminder, and then I realized after Christmas it had morphed into becoming my Keeper.  A Master of my mind; always just there in my thoughts…time, time, time. I appreciated it as a reminder for gratitude but it grew into a heavy yoke, threatening to cut off my circulation. Even in gratitude and hobbling to take full advantage of every moment and savor every piece is a little whisper of ‘what if’ and ‘maybe’ and even ‘soon’. Weird huh?

That in amongst the haste of being positive you are allowing the negative, acknowledging you might not make it, but then you might…I am finding there really is paradox in everything, light and shade.

Being grateful for time also includes knowing the downside of the lack of it. You can’t have popcorn without the heat you know? But I am shoving popcorn down my throat and its starting to make me choke. And if any of you have ever seen me eat popcorn you will laugh; imagine a Dyson vacuum cleaner and you might get an idea.

The ticking was getting too loud on that damn clock.  I needed practice at patience. So often I want to bite life off in chunks but it isn’t meant to be bitten, for me its meant to be nibbled. At the moment it feels like gnawing. Held back. Because this is the fight I find my mind in: I need loads more time.

I want to see what blue eyes looks like old and wrinkly, and there is so much fun to be had with these humans I created with my body.

They are the coolest humans, truly they are. Gifts of love, abundant, cheeky, complaining, whining, burping, fighting, hugging and whatever else they feel like doing, they are the most kind, humorous and intelligent, musically attuned humans I know. I hope they stay that way. I pray this place doesn’t wreak too much havoc and they remember their inner; that when the world screams MORE they will listen when their hearts whisper “less”. I want them to be strong enough, brave enough to make their difference in the world and I can’t help do that or lead them there when I am shoveling popcorn in my mouth and fighting an aneurysm poppage. Makes me about as useful as a bloody ashtray on a motorcycle, seriously.

This tribe of mine; we have countries and places to travel to, educationing (I made that word up) to be had, differences to be made. Endless Spanakopita conversations to be had in coffee shops with blue folk, (I’ll explain later)  mountains to climb together, ashrams to see, people to help… You see how my mind works? I get myself all knotted up worse than Bert from Sesame Street with his paperclip collection.

Ahem…Its time for a rebalance.

I need to listen to the Less to make a difference so in my bowing gratitude I am now endeavoring not to think about time.

To relax a little, not think too much about the sands in the hour glass and go with the flow, see where it takes me. How? I am not 100% sure on that yet. So off I went to my trusted mentor and Kinesiologist and had an energy rebalance, I then spent days reflecting, writing and in prayer and meditation. This rebalancing -replaced angst and deep hurt with understanding, compassion and calm, a sense of peace. I felt like a kitten that was fed so much all I could do was roll into a ball in front of a warm fire and sleep. There is no other feeling like that of peace is there? I received a swift yet kind lecture about self care and the old Oxygen mask chat. Have you heard that one? If you are in an airplane and its going down, you should place the oxygen mask on yourself first then on your little ones, because otherwise you lose consciousness and are no good for anyone lol. This is a hard one when you are bred into a society that tells you self love is selfish. Again, learning people…learning!

Slow down; the message has been loud and clear. My body is so very tired, my immune system is pretty wrecked and it all needs some attention as well as my nervous system.

There is not much I can control at the moment but I have been given multiple options for growing and healing, why wouldn’t I take them? It doesn’t serve me well to be disempowered and helpless, restless and anxious. What does serve is the sense of peace I get when I listen. There is an entire universe within if we listen closely. Like Horton hears a Who, the question is whom is on your speck and are you listening closely?

My speck has helped me make a decision to create my own retreat over the next 4 weeks, allocating practice to some of what I did when I was in rehab a couple of years ago; dedicating the whole day to the healing process. The next month is going to be about healing, loving and mending. It already has these things however more concentration is going to be spent on daily scheduled meditation, yoga, reflection, mindfulness, aromatherapy, playtime with my little family, gentle exercise as well as some powerful brain training exercises getting both sides firing and the most important; prayer time. I am pretty sure that this is a recipe for healing lines and complete recovery.

I want my body mind and spirit to be fully pumped, in 4 weeks time, no matter what they tell me, no matter what happens, in any capacity I will be prepared, ready and my body and my mind will be such a watertight vessel that it can manoeuvre the waves, whether they be smooth and glasslike or stormy and full of icebergs. I am going to ignore time as much as possible, and I am going to get one with the Concave Polygon. So this is my plan, I am going to ride into 2016 like a Jedi, my arms and legs might be flying around as awkward as a drunken giraffe on roller-skates but it will be done! I shall also re-watch the Goonies and Harry Potter with my tribe and nibble slowly on popcorn with a gin and tonic in one hand and Dr. Seuss in the other!

In the words of the Great Seuss:

“And when you’re alone there’s a very good chance
you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.”

“You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?”

“You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.”

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…”

“You’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting,
So… get on your way!”

PS- For Mel x

 

Tyler Durdon and Jingle Bells

Christmas was lovely, truly quiet, memorable and overwhelming. I was very very pleased and grateful to be with my family this Christmas. Honestly how lame does that sound? Pleased and Grateful, biggest understatement of the year. It was so huge in my heart I thought it would break in half the sight of my kids unwrapping their gifts. Having dinner at the table and saying grace I thought I would burst into tears. It felt like every atom in my body was grateful and split . I am being very honest, it hurt a little and it felt amazing. Everything feels a little bit different these days and I feel like I am getting used to new skin, nothing is as it was and I doubt it ever will be again.

So now Christmas is fading with a very large wilting Christmas tree that has seen better days and looks like a hungover Grandpa. How would I know? I’ve seen a few of them over the Chrissy break! (Grandpas) and New Years is upon us as well as the lengthy school holidays.

The school holidays are smack bang here in my house. I have looked forward to these holidays for months. What was I thinking? Its a bit like labour with subsequent children, you forget about the pain of labour and the intensity and then you get your second contraction; what in the name of god was I thinking?

Week 3 and I don’t know what your house is like, mine is like Mortal Kombat revisited with a touch of Fight Club and Big Bang Theory, its an interesting combination. Tis the season for Verbal Annihilation; “ITS MY TURN…..MUUUUUUM!”
So I am left with a couple of options
A) I can keep them so busy they don’t even have time to whisper “water” and they fall into bed exhausted at the end of the day, whilst at the same time I wipe out my bank balance
B) put up a homemade boxing ring in the lounge room, give them some gloves, lock myself in the bedroom and drink G&Ts until their father gets home.

I’m kidding, I think its really healthy for them to debate, learn some compromising skills and battle out the details of some fair trade agreements. So far we have Gordon Gekko, Barnaby Joyce and quite possibly Margaret Thatcher in process, its going to get totes interesting… (see what I mean…im even starting to sound like them) lol

Do you ever imagine other families and think surely they must be sitting around singing kumbaya and plaiting each other’s hair? A monopoly game here has the scale to turn into a power house take down on global proportions. I sometimes look at other families and compare. Comparison, now there’s a finicky word, you can sink your teeth into that one, its very sinewy and likely to get caught in your teeth. I ponder how much of the human race’s issues come from Comparison? Gosh there’s a thesis in that!

Just the other day I heard someone over drinks talk enviably with a teency dash of sharp edge-ness “Oh they’re loaded, more money than they can sniff at.” Like it was a bad thing. It gets me thinking about everything being relative… Comparisons can always be made, its infinite, like colours having different shades. Just because my red is bright red doesn’t mean your crimson is any less red. It is still red, its just different. That person’s annual income might be more than mine, but mine will be more than the homeless man living in a shelter, and his may be higher than a child living in Toga West Africa living in squalor drinking filthy water. It goes on and on.

I have a friend who has done quite a few Army tours who has told me a lot of places he has travelled to that are on the appearance of being very poor are the happiest! The smiles are bigger, their apparently first appearance joyfulness is contagious! I know people that have very limited current financial means (which is just a polite way of saying they arent $ wealthy) and yet they are the happiest people I know. I also know folks who are ridiculously well off through good choices and hard work who are some of the most generous and loving people I know. You could on and on huh? Crazy healthy people with unhealthy attitudes compared to very unwell people with busting healthy mental attitudes that weather any storm. What is my point? Well I guess I could write thousands of comparisons and you could think of them. Where would it get us? Nowhere. Zilcho. Naught. You catch my lingo? I think I am scrambling my way to a point here somewhere…
I think if you compare yourself to others, or measure yourself against other people all the time, or care about what other people might think all the time its quite possible that you are not going to have the most accurate of measuring sticks are you? How long is a piece of string? Infinite possibilities, and while you are running that piece of string in knots in your mind and twining it around conversations you are wasting precious energy and time. Because a lot of people have a hard enough time running their own lives, what makes them an expert on you or yours? Trust me, it doesn’t cure cancer, pay your credit card bill, solve world hunger, shrink aneurysms, find lost socks or make a cup of tea.

There is the exception to the rule though, I think if someone who you REALLY trust to tell you the truth and who cares about you tells you in a delicate way that you have revolting B.O. going on, well that is possibly something to consider. Its a bit of a deal breaker. No ones likes a smelly nelly and BO permeates everything…like a bad attitude.

I am guilty of it, comparison not B.O (she armpit sniffs as she types) and the occasional neurosis that started in High school. Will they like it? Do they like me? Did I say the right thing? Was that ok? Am I ok?

I am not one for New Year’s Resolutions, but as I go into 2015 i might go in dressed with a new coat that will not be measured by anyone else but me, trusting my own inner voice with the anticipation of a multitude of joyful moments and milestones.

Can you believe its 2015 in less than 10 hours? Man I remember wondering in 1994 what the year 2000 would be like. I honestly thought they would have a hover board by now, or Jetson cars. Thank goodness they have Flow Diverters and Apple phones huh? 2015…wow. I shall call it the year of the Concave Polygon and teach my children to hold hands and sing Kumbaya.

Have a safe and wonderful New Years Eve peeps. Be a lamp that burns brightly for all that is good and joyfu, and if you can’t be joyful may the corners of your mouth tilt slightly upwards towards your ears at least a couple of times a day x

Thank you so much for your support and good wishes, reading and sharing my blog. I am really enjoying sharing with you and our ponderings. Remember you can comment below the blog if you feel like it.
Blessings to you and Yours,
Kirsten

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