The owls are back.
It is what started the week off, the gentle Who Who-ing of the owls. Normally I like owls but these owls always turn up just before big ordinary things happen. It might actually also be they turn up to next right on Spring which also seems to be around the time big ordinary things can happen. Either way for the last 5 years when the owls turn up, we all look at each other nervously in our house. I would never harm an animal but when I heard it I kind of wanted to reach for a slingshot. They are cute owls. Really. Someone told me owls are a sign of wisdom and guardianship. Excuse me for being cynical but for me its Bird talk for “Its about to go down.”
I am not sure when it occurred to me that it was all too much.
I was going to the gym and something told me to STOP.
Go inside, make a warm drink and step slowly.
It was so strong I had to listen.
So I did, that afternoon I snuggled down into my bed and slept. I fought with myself for a bit, tucking away the guilt and the to do list. I am a tricky task master to myself sometimes, time is a commodity to be used wisely and not wasted. But you see I had forgotten in the haste to look after my interior life for a few weeks. The interior was starting to warp and bend a bit and I could hear the creaking, it was only just there but I could hear the creaking nonetheless.
I was restless, dizzy and my heart rate was up. I’d started getting odd pains in my head. And it was all on the fringe of feeling too much. My symptoms had increased quite a bit and even though I hadn’t verbalized it, I knew it. I felt it and it made me a bit sad and pensive. Given that exercise is the gift of the Gods to our happy receptors in our brain I thought a walk on the beach followed by a coffee in town was the order of the day. Off I trotted. (Have you seen me trot? My little Brother Robbie says it’s the only time you can really tell that I have unfortunately had brain surgery- not sure what he means but anyway- just giving you a visual- )
Do you ever wish you could feel the color blue?
Craving color began for me back when I was blind. (That’s such an odd sentence to write). I became a color junky. Now that I can see again I am honestly addicted to color, especially Beach colors and rainforest colors. I see it and its like I am on crack. If I could smoke color I would. I am not kidding
On a day only every so often when its been raining or the tide has left abruptly you will see puddles of water on the sand. On a particularly sunny and still day those puddles look like windows reflecting the sky. Ever since I was small I convinced myself that they were “sky-puddles” and if I willed it hard enough I could jump in there to another parallel dimension. Pop out the other side on a beach in some weird, wonderful cosmic place. What can I say? I grew up on a diet of the Magic Faraway Tree and Stephen King- it was bound to happen. I recently confessed to my brother on one of our walks together on this beach that I wondered if heaven was an actual other real physical dimension and those Sky Puddles were a portal there. I told you…crack.
So on this day of melancholy I see myself take a deep breath and jump soaring up like a jet into the sky, rushing through the blue.
It feels like silk and air at the same time it smells like warm cookies and freshly squeezed orange juice and I can actually taste the wind in my mouth like orange tic tacs. I wonder if this is what dogs can do and if this is why they lick the air madly when they face the wind. I have developed wind taste-buds- popping with effervescence and splendor.
I plunge down like a soaring eagle and keep going straight into the ground- going straight through that sky puddle and out the other side. Popping up to stand on a beach in another far away place. I am standing there looking at my other me, other- dimension me. I wonder what she looks like and if she can trot appropriately or laugh gently. Does she have both eyelids? Is she actually a lion inside like me? Is she fierce? If we were friends would I like her? Did she have a Mel too? Does she have a Robbie?
This is the stuff and the places my mind goes to as I walk down the beach.
I know I am telling you too much. I wonder how long it takes between hitting that post button and running for the back door it takes before the nice people in the white van turn up to take me to Sunnyside- special- place with free arm straps and matching ankle braces.
4 weeks to go until I find out. I don’t talk about that.
Well that’s not true, I’ve tried to but I’ve worked out it causes pain for those we love. So we hope for the best without saying much. In my mind I know my lion side always plans for the worst and hopes for the best- celebrating the best with absolute gusto.
My theory is that if the weather experts say there’s a flood coming, I am going to plan for a flood. I am going to be ready so no matter what happens I have a boat, with oars, cold coronas and a stereo playing Bob Marley as we ride the wave. Always prepared. So many people are the “no point worrying until it gets here, it might not even happen”- style of people. Maybe that’s ok. But not being prepared equals shock and panic. I don’t want to be person screaming running around looking for the raft after we’ve hit the Iceberg and I DON’T want to be the guys playing music on the deck as the ship goes down. I am going to be the chic that had a feeling not to get on the damn Ship in the first place and stayed to sunbake on the beach instead. Make sense? Does to me.
I have planned 2 x girls weekends in Sept and November. Hard life huh? But then I worry. I don’t like being away from my children anymore. At all. Ever. Nope I like being with them all the time. Its kind of weird I guess. And I worry for my friends. What if I go on this girls weekend and it pops midair? Hours away from an airport.
Like a brain explosion and pain of the worst kind.
What if I’m with my friends and I just die on them? I was told it would happen quickly if it happened, which is kind of good in a not good sort of way. But that’s really not fair on them and terribly inconvenient, not a great way to treat your mates is it? I’d rather shout them that Corona on a beach somewhere.
Did I just say die? You mustn’t ever say the D WORD. It makes people very uncomfortable. Like a fart in an elevator. Not nice. Everyone looks around awkwardly and pretends it didn’t happen, red faced and smelly. You jump through hoops as quickly as possible because the last thing you want in the entire world is to hurt people. And the current situation is hurting people you love an awful lot. So the best thing is to take a big breath, put on your big girl knickers and get on with it….
But What if they tell me in a few weeks it still hasn’t healed and I am a cooked chook?
Should I go on a Holiday? Should I keep making candles and cooking casseroles? Because I am not too physically ill, I am capable of seemingly normal activity. Cooking chickens is easy peasy.
And if nothing happens I may look back on this blog and realise I am a neurotic powerhouse ready for action and in need of heavy medication.
It is all very serious thinking. I finish my walk, mentally exhausted from Flying into Sky Puddles and meeting other me’s and smoking colour crack. Its time for a coffee in town. Caffeine, need that like a hole in the head. Did I just say that out loud?
I go in, wander a bit, order a coffee, and decide to take it to my car and listen to music while I drink it.
I look in the revision mirror for a moment, a glance at the sexy chic in the mirror and I gasp in horror and revulsion, spilling the boiling coffee onto my stylish tracksuit pants.
A piece of dandruff the size of a large cornflake sits in the middle of my fringe.
Like a freaking Christmas decoration flapping in the Geelong wind, was a sail of skin. Good god. I had walked in, shopped, talked and left. I do vaguely recall a couple of people looking at me strangely and I thought it was because they were digging my new shade of aubergine tinged hair colour. Nope. It was the cornflake windsailing through my tresses.
Then I started laughing. Laughing so hard it hurt and then I was just seriously impressed with the size of the flake.
It was like when you get a super big potato chip and you are in awe imaging the size of the potato it came from. Obviously I had a big head, a dry scalp and a need to change shampoo and probably my pants from laughing too hard.
I am still laughing when I pick my kids up from school. They laugh about my epic flake too. I get home, make their snacks and we chat about their day. I kiss them 20 times too many and remember to be normal again. All is well. Everything is ok.
But this is the sometimes- mind of the possibly-dying and mostly living person.
There is worry, every need to process through the worry into faith. It’s all in the Alchemy. If its beach walks, sky puddles, funny movies, chocolate cheesecake or tyre swings with besties. Find the ones that hears you, check in with your heart, make sure it feels nice. Talk to the ones that see you and it might not be the ones you expect.
Shine your light brightly. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. If anyone tells you to shoosh, ridicules you or tells you to stop and what you are doing is filled with love, good intent or gentle humor the problem is Theirs not yours.
The reason all these gurus say to surround yourself with the right people is true. Why?
Life can be hard on its own without the imposition of other humans. Your job is shine your light, your signature gift as bright as you can sustain it and maintain it. If you cant find a human that gets you, get a dog. I have a Schnauzer called Charlie and he’s the wisest nontalking soul getting around on 4 furry legs. He gives kisses and he doesn’t answer back which is kind of good if you are a Taurean. We like to have the last word.
The instrument of human ego has its whole own thing going on that has nothing to do with you whatsoever. People don’t always get it, and sometimes they do and it causes them too much pain or conflict, so they often just go on with their human habits and non- compliance of life loving. Please listen to your interior- its not always noisy so you will need to listen carefully.
Go within and find your still and gentle space where you can fill yourself with love and gentle harmony. And above all else, watch for sky puddles, be wary of nice looking owls and my final word of advice today- you should ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS check your hair first, because Cornflake dandruff in your hair is distressing to everyone and there’s no excuse for that shit.