I have slept and meditated a lot, it has helped when I have managed to get into a somewhat attempt at a Zen-like state…much to my children’s frustration.
Master 8 : “Man she’s meditating AGAIN! She’s always meditating.”
Master 12: “She has to meditate otherwise she will forget the shopping list again…”
Master 8: “Well can she meditate her way into the laundry and get my socks? Muuuuum!!!!!!”
For the love of God what is the go with socks? Can someone from Apple or NASA please invent a sonic tracking device so socks can stick together like an old married couple, because this week it has driven me mad. It’s time for socks around the world to be reunited! Pretty please?
Got to love kids huh? Mine are amazing. I know all parents say this and my friends may read this thinking Great here she goes again… but my kids are the brave and wondrous kind. From the moment they were born they captured me in a web of entrapment. I fell completely and utterly in love with these little time wasters and the house has never been clean since. Hence the sock dilemma. Their honesty and affection and ability to just do what we have to do has made me step back and look at them as my little teachers. Children do not think in future terms of fear they are often present and think in the immediate. Is mum ok now? Yup, good. Are we having ice cream tonight? Ok then. There is no point in thinking in future fears, so often kids don’t. I admire this and I take something from it. My children have truly taught me so much about myself and the world, I think children have the amazing ability to observe in honesty without social approval or time terms.
My bigger boy, the old ball and chain Blue eyed Lothario has been my armchair, cushion and open fire of warmth, love and reassurance. He is brave, loving and vulnerable. I couldn’t ask for more from this one who holds my hand. 18 years have gone so fast, we were only laughing yesterday about how quickly it had gone and how lucky we both are that we are still so completely in love with each other. We fight and argue, we are total opposites in so many hilarious and almost comedic ways and yet for whatever reason the stars have aligned and we are still head over heels. Corny, eye-ball-rolling stuff huh? Nice.
This week’s blog is a shorter one. I’m sitting here tonight in an apartment with my husband, daughter, 2 girlfriends, 3 brothers, Mum, Dad and my Aunt and Uncles and sister in law. It’s a football team of love and support. We have laughed, hugged, cried and watched YouTube funny videos, even tried to recreate KimKardash’s butt pose (fully clothed don’t panic) all getting a bit crazy and it’s just bloody Beautiful. I want to spend some time with this nutty mob, so I won’t bore you with 1000 words plus.
I have to tell you sincerely I have never felt so loved in my life. I am going into this so wrapped up in faith, love and grace like sweet cotton wool. It is snuggly and I am grateful. My whole body seems to respond. It starts off with goosebumps on my arm and becomes a warmth in my chest. Describing it is very difficult, the love I feel is so big is makes my chest ache.
I reflect on this Big Love and it’s a bit of a shame in some ways. It occurs to me today that it took me to get to this point of my life to allow this love in 100%. I’ve always loved others in my life with ease and might. If I care about someone, I really empathetically care with all I have the best that I can. BUT I have only ever taken the word of others that they love me. YUP messed up huh? I’ve not actually allowed myself to let my self be loved. To actually feel someone love me as a chest warming receiving of love is another matter entirely and has not come easy. Now I am OD-ing on it, something has cracked open and the love is flowing in. It’s incredibly overwhelming and I am as high as a kite on it, it makes me teary and full.
So in a way I am looking forward to when all is well again and I can run around in these new “loved” shoes. I have a feeling my life is about to become very different in a most incredible way. I’m not sure how but it’s going to be fun working it out. Tomorrow is the day, in about 7 hours I will walk down to the Alfred and let these magic makers do their thing.
Last week about 2 am I woke up with a few lines in my mind and wrote them down. I’ve re-read them over and over and they seem to bring me comfort, so I will share them with you:
Do not be afraid, go with ease,
Walk humbly and gently,
Embrace your observer inside,
Open your heart and just be,
You will enjoy the ride so much more I promise.
See you soon,